I am tired. I mean, I am T I R E D. A little bit of history. From about the third day we were home from the hospital with Milo, he slept through the night, waking only once to eat. We did not realize how good we had it. When he reached four months old, he started waking a minimum of three times each night. Did I say minimum? It was usually more. We finally figured out that he's teething. There will be nights that he will just scream and arch his back and there's nothing that will console him, except to eat. About two weeks ago, it got better for a few nights and we realized one of his teeth had FINALLY broken through his gums. And now, it appears he is working on the one next to it because we're back to the same routine. Oh, and did I mention when this is going on he's also not napping? Naps will be 30-45 minutes MAX and he'll take four or five of them a day.
IN ADDITION, it appears the last day or so he's also having a growth spurt and eating every two hours. ALL. DAY. LONG. This has made for one tired mama.
Then we get to this morning. I want nothing but to sleep in (and by that I mean sleep until 7:45) but I need to go get my allergy shots so I get up and take a shower while Milo is still sleeping and get myself ready. And the whole time I'm aggravated because this was so much easier when I didn't have to load up toys and burp rags and pacifiers and carseats, when I could just "run get my shots". And then I'm sad because I don't want to feel resentful that I have this sweet baby (and truly, 99.9% of the time I don't, I just have these rare moments when everything hits all at once). So I put on my happy face, take him from his Daddy so I can feed him and what happens? He bites me. Twice. The second time he draws blood. And I'm aggravated again. I tell him no, and just look at him and he just smiles at me but I can't smile back because I don't want him to think I'm encouraging that behavior. So then for the next hour, he will barely look at me and I feel like a big jerk. And now, this thing that's supposed to be so amazing and such a bonding experience is suddenly something that I know I still want to do but every time it's time, I start to tense up and I'm on edge the whole time he's eating wondering if he's going to bite me again instead of enjoying snuggle time with him.
I'm reading a book right now, Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. I just read a chapter where she talks about being content with our roles. It's something I already was conscious of trying to do but this kind of re-focused me. I AM content with my role as a mommy. I certainly can't imagine doing this when I was any younger than I am now - I'm still too selfish for it I think but I'm more unselfish now than I have been before. And I'm very lucky to have a healthy baby who, if I'm honest, really is happy most of the time (in spite of the fact that he NEVER SLEEPS). If I'm honest with myself, I don't wish I was still single or wish we still didn't have any kids. But days like this I have to REALLY remind myself that I'm happy with the place I am, with where God has me.
A little disclaimer here. I'm not necessarily looking for advice here. If you have something helpful, feel free to share it in the comments. If you have something that worked for you, I'm happy to read those comments and consider.
And now, it has been 25 minutes since he went to sleep and he's awake again and VERY upset about something so I'm going to go investigate.
Beth I am so with you your thoughts, I feel very similar, there are times when I feel my continuous mom role can be frustrating, consuming and overwheleming and other times its just so sweet, perfect, peace filled. I know contentment is a process more than a destination, some days I easily find it and other days it can be a struggle. Its nice to know there are others on this mommy journey that are striving and struggling where I am too.
ReplyDeleteI really can relate. Especially the part about not seeing how I could've done this any younger than I am now and that I still might be too selfish for it! But I keep thinking I'm getting less and less selfish...I do have days where I don't shower or put on make-up and still venture in public!
ReplyDeleteTeething sucks...ESPECIALLY when you get bit. :(
If you need healing advice if you have a wound just let me know! Karen had to talk me through a pretty rough nursing injury that took about 3 weeks to heal. When Liv wasn't sleeping and was fussing all night with teething I finally broke down and gave her motrin (helped with inflammation AND pain relief AND she slept!) There's a chart on the Dr Sears website that tells what amount to give for his weight. I dunno why I thought it was such a big deal to not give her meds, but I did. That and those teething swabs seemed to be the only thing that helped her. Her first teeth she got were the worst and all the other ones since then seemed to have popped through without me noticing her being fussy so I hope it's the same for Milo. Ok enough..I'll shut up but I enjoyed this post. Makes me feel less alone! Hope he's back to his sleepy sweet self soon!
Thanks ladies! Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not crazy feeling this way (or if I am at least I'm not alone!) and thanks even more for not calling DHS on me! :)
ReplyDeleteHeather, that's a good point about contentment being a process and not a destination.
Katie, It REALLY makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who can't manage to get a shower some days. I suspect my husband may not appreciate that reassurance because he might like for me to shower but who are we kidding - I'm going to smell like spit up any way you look at it so why bother! As for the teething, we go to the dr. on Friday for his SIX MONTH visit (holy smokes I can't believe it's been six months) and I plan to ask about the Motrin thing. We give him Tylenol occasionally when it's really bad but of course I know we can't (nor would I want to) give it to him continuously. Luckily at this point I don't have a serious injury - it's just still a little sore today. But don't think your injury doesn't cross my mind every time he eats...I have to watch him like a hawk and sometimes I can tell when he's about to bite down, and I can unlatch him. Other times he surprises me.
Anyway, thanks again girls for making me feel normal!