Forgiveness

This is not so much a post for purposes of entertainment but more for me to solicit opinions from people I trust and who I think can understand where I’m coming from and reasonably respond.

Saturday night I had dinner with an “old” friend (old meaning friend since 2nd grade, not old meaning old age-wise). We hadn’t seen each other in quite sometime, although we’ve kept up sporadically through e-mail and occasional phone calls. I had a really enjoyable time and look forward to doing it again. It was good to catch up and remember old times and get “reacquainted”. She’s always been around, and I know without a doubt if I ever need anything I can call her up.

In sharp contrast to that, a while back I had something happen that rocked my world. Someone who has been a really good friend for many years did something that normally I would have been appalled at anyway but the timing of the thing was so wrong that to this day, I’m still shocked. At the time I was literally shocked speechless, and even now I still have a hard time finding the words to express my feelings on the matter. Since then, this individual has carried on as though it never happened even though it very nearly ruined the most important day of my life up to this point, not to mention making me feel weird around this person and their family (although they’d never know it from my behavior, I don’t think).

My struggle is this: I know I need to forgive this person. I know I can’t control the actions of others so there was nothing I could do about this except to forget it and move on. But here’s the problem. While I want things to be the way they used to, whenever I see this person all I can think about is what happened. I try not to, but it’s always there in the back of my mind and I feel like I’ve been asked to keep this enormous secret and I really might explode at any moment. I want to grab and shake this individual and say “Do you understand the impact of what you did? Your timing was horrible! What made you think that was OK?” But if I do that, will it only be to make me feel better? And will I feel better or will it just make me and everyone else feel worse and ruin any fragment that’s left? One thing I’ve come to realize through this is that this person is more selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed than I ever imagined. I’m not saying that to malign this individual or be hateful, but I suppose I’m just wondering if that same relationship (where I was blissfully unaware of these characteristics) is ever possible again. Or do I just maintain a polite distance or do I just cut my losses and move on? Any thoughts/advice, etc. from people more removed from the situation than I would be appreciated.

This has also made me appreciate my other “old” friends even more. I know that even though we may not communicate as much as we used to (and I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been bad for the last year or two about keeping in touch but in my defense, that’s what happens right before and after you get married and it just so happens that none of us got married at the same time so we may have lost touch for a while). But, if/when we get together I have no doubt we’ll have plenty to catch up on and reminisce about and I know that those individuals, like my “old” friend mentioned above, are just a phone call away if I need them. So, to all of my “old” and not quite so “old” friends, thanks for being my friend and I hope you all know that just as I know you’d be a phone call away, it works the other direction too.